The Magic of Connection
Please note: The following is not meant to be professional advice to guide your mental health or treatment. These are my thoughts on some topics I’m passionate about and interested in and are based on my experiences. While I refer to some research, I didn’t provide a list of references because this is meant to be fairly informal. However, if you are interested in these topics and would like to know where I got my information from, I can certainly share some of my sources with you.
Connection. As human beings we're hardwired to connect with other human beings. There is no way of getting around it. Whether we're an introvert and prefer being with our own company, an extravert and love being around groups of people, or an ambivert that's somewhere in the middle, we are built to connect with others. From an evolutionary perspective, wanting to be a part of a group has kept us alive. It prevented us from getting picked off by predators, which would've happened pretty fast if we were stuck on our own. And we haven't lost that instinct or need just because our society is now more advanced. Connection (or lack there of) affects our wellbeing significantly - our mind, our body, and our spirit.
As children, one of our primary needs is for attachment to our caregiver(s). Infants and children instinctively know that they depend on connecting with others to survive. It is so primal that they will subconsciously suppress their feelings and alter significant aspects of themselves in order to make sure their caregivers will love and pay attention to them as much as possible (read Experiences of Trauma for more on that). Further, there is ample research that demonstrates that those who have strong support systems in their lives have immune systems that function better when under stress. Connection also buffers against the impacts of mental illness and trauma.
Belonging is also important. Belonging is about connection. Therapy is about creating a space for connection, so that we can grow and tackle the challenges life has thrown at us. I love what Brene Brown says about belonging: Be you, Be seen, Belong - I believe this is what therapy truly does - gives people a safe space to be their true selves, to be seen, and to belong with no pre-requisites other than to be a living breathing human who is willing to participate in therapy. I mean don't get me wrong - it's even better when we're able to do that in our relationships, in our homes, in our workspaces, and anywhere else that might be important to us, but that's not always the case. Belonging can be hard. Being ourselves is hard and can be vulnerable. Just ask any teenager and they'll remind you of what it's like to be in the thick of the age at which we get the most pressure to not be ourselves.
It can be hard to create genuine connections with others in which we can truly be ourselves and feel as though we belong. Relationships are also messy, hard, and take work. While the trusted people in our lives (if we're lucky enough to have them) are certainly people we can seek out to help support us through our struggles, one of the reasons we have therapists is because it's not always safe, easy, or healthy to work through all of our challenges with people who are subjectively involved in our lives. But we still need connection. That's why we don't just have a robot or computer sitting across from us prescribing interventions for whatever our troubles are. One of the most powerful aspects of therapy is the connection with another human being. The powerful relationship that is born out of that connection is known as the therapeutic alliance, which is basically having a person whose job it is to be objective, in your corner, empathic, nonjudgmental, and present with you at all times during your sessions/challenges. Those are some valuable things to have when you're struggling and those are things that are very difficult to expect from our friends and family, especially day after day. Our other relationships are reciprocal - we support our friends and family and they support us (ideally) - in therapy, it gets to be all about you! But enough of my pitch about therapy, and more about connection.
I'm sure we all have memories of wanting so badly and trying so hard to fit in with different people and groups, but, as Brene Brown also says, fitting in and belonging are the opposite of each other. Fitting in is one of the biggest barriers to belonging. "Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all" (Brene Brown; Read more on this here). Belonging, is about true connection. We can't truly connect with others when we're busy hiding our true selves from them because that takes a lot of energy and then what we're trying connecting to in them isn't true to who we are.
But sometimes the idea of connecting with other people can be scary, even crippling or terrifying. Why? Because to truly connect, you have to be vulnerable and that's fear-inducing for most of us, but especially so for those who have experienced abuse and neglect in their lives (see Vulnerability & Boundaries for more on that). But with very small baby steps, we can being to connect again. In The Body Keeps Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk told a fascinating account of one of his clients who was a teenage girl that struggled to make the slightest connection with people as a result of a history of severe child abuse. However, making connections with people was so daunting and counter to her experiences, that her first baby step was the connect with a horse through an animal-assisted therapy program and then gradually progressed to building enough trust and comfort in that relationship to start branching out to some of the people around her. I love animals and hearing about stories of triumph against the odds, so that makes me smile. But the point is, no matter where our baby steps have to start and how long it takes us to get there, connection with trusted others will, without a doubt, significantly increase our wellbeing in our lives. Maybe that first connection has to be with an animal. Maybe the first person you truly trust to see you is a therapist. Maybe you already have connections in your life and you want to learn to deepen or expand them. Maybe you want to learn how to decide who is safe to connect with (see Vulnerability & Boundaries for more on that). Wherever you are in your journey towards connection, know that no matter how hard and terrifying it can seem, it's a journey to a more fulfilling life that's most definitely worth taking.
If you are interested in the nonjudgemental no prerequisites connection that a therapeutic relationship can offer, you may want to head over to the next Musing, Doing the Heavy Lifting to get an idea of what you want and are in for.
Interested in further reading/information on the subject?
The Village Effect by Susan Pinker discusses about how we're hardwired to connect with each other, which is a topic also often explored by Brene Brown in her work on vulnerability.
The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor includes a compelling chapter near the end on the power of social connection and its role in our wellbeing.
When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate primarily discusses how our bodies react to chronic stress, but includes some interesting research on how having a support system can significantly mediate the health issues that come with chronic stress.
If you're looking to create connections in your life, the website Meet Up can help you find a group of people with similar interests to connect to. Just search for your city. If you struggle to connect and/or connecting makes you anxious, check out Vulnerability & Boundaries for more info on some barriers to connecting.